I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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