my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
