I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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