i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
