dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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