So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think people are normalizing furries
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
