and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
