The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
