So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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