I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
