yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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