How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize