Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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