i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
