Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
