would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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