Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
