My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
