I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i out mim tonsoeep
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