I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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