i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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