just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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