The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
