she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i out mim tonsoeep
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
