Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
