You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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