I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
