Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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