i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
