He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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