If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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