Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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