worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
