Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
