I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
