I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Terrible idea I love it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
