me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So many bounce houses so little time
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
