a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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