I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The uberlube is also flammable
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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