My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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