mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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