No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
