i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
