I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
