i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
