OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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