She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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