I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
