the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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