remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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