my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
