Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
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I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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