I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
