My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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