At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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