We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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