Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he fucked my hip out of place.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
