Got a toothbrush?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just pee around me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
