Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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